Ops. I broke myself?

I know what broke the writer inside of me; I stopped living in my own world. Just a few months ago, I had a universe standing inside my mind. It’s a God like feeling, but it’s the farthest it can be from narcism; I was never the centre of it nor the puppeteer. I merely could see everything that was happening. On second thoughts, I was a peeping-tom; sneaking looks at my characters even at their most intimate moments. The world was rich, and changing. Everyday I had a new character, in a different setting, who was passionate about a cause which a character was just rallying against the day before. It was the soundtrack of my life. I could spend days alone just listening to it; boredom was a foreign concept to me.
Then, life happened. I’m not going to say it was bad events that distracted me. Some were good like love, some were bad like anxiety. Some writers can use these events to inspire them; but not me. I failed. Perhaps I was never a “writer”, but just an “imaginer”. The soundtrack paused, or rather it was dubbed with the sounds of my own my reality. It wasn’t bad at first. I didn’t even notice few weeks-if not months- that I hadn’t thought of any new stories. I felt guilty, but then I decided to embrace my new life. I was never a fighter; I always swam with the current regardless of my better sense. Nine months later, I had a minute to myself, but I couldn’t stand the silence in my head.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
No sound is louder than silence. It’s piercing. I’d become addicted to my busy life, and somehow I forgot to maintain the VCR in my mind. I spent days trying to come up with one creative thought, but I couldn’t. The VCR was rusted, out of date, and I couldn’t afford to upgrade it.
So here I am now, different. I’m not sure which was better. The old me or the new me. I never liked the old one much, and I’m not liking the new one either. I wish I could have the best parts of each, but I’m not sure it goes that way. I hope I can write again. I miss my characters.

Moving from Fanfiction to writing original stories

I know a lot of writers frown upon fan fiction, but I’ve done it and loved it.

I published my first in 2009, and it sucked. The next few ones sucked even more, with no plots and the punctuation of two year old. Yet, with every review I got, the need to improve filled me, and it pushed me to put more effort into my writing.

About a two years later, I wasn’t a huge success but I had a bunch of people following my stories. I got hooked watching the stats of my chapters move up; views from tens rising to hundreds or thousands with one or two of my most popular stories. I enjoyed opening up my email after posting a new chapter, and having notifications with reviews and comments that I didn’t need to beg for. I don’t write for the stats, but knowing that what I wrote was being read was almost orgasmic (sorry, didn’t mean to sound like a perve).

Fan fiction is easy. The people read your work not because it’s amazing, but because it’s about characters they love. Plus, give anyone two interesting characters, and the scenes basically write themselves. It came to me effortless, especially that I was writing uncomplicated stories that I didn’t need to research. I knew I needed to write something that was 100% mine.

So I moved on to original fiction. When I posted a chapter, and it maybe got one or two comments, and only because I begged for them. I wasn’t getting my fix of views or comments anymore. I wasn’t being read; and it went right through my self-confidence, like a hammer through a vase.

I didn’t write fan fiction for a while afterwards, and somehow it managed to wean me off the gratification of the stats. I put my fingers to the keyboard, and I decided not to care because ‘I was working up to having stories that deserved to be read’. 

Anyway, today I opened up my email to a message from girl with fan art she had drawn based on my fan fiction. She dedicated it to me, and it made me miss my stats and my readers. I wonder if in the future someone will draw fan art based on my original stories…

 Any experiences moving from fan fiction to original one?